When the Car Broke Down...
by Plato's Tragedy
Summary: How Pippin, Sam and Frodo REALLY got to Crickhollow. A big parody of that part of the book, though Jamie Oliver may pop up every so often....Please R
1. Broken Cars and Such

What Really Happened on the Way to Crickhollow

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or anything about LOTR, even though I wish I did.

Their car broke down, and they were stuck in the forest.

"Why are we stuck in a car in the woods?" Pippin asked

"Quite you." Said the author. 

"Who said that?" Pippin asked looking around

"Me, the author. Now don't think and just do what I tell you."

"Oh, ok."

"Hmmm, that was easy…almost too easy…" The author said, but promptly left the story for now.

Anyways, they were stuck in the car in the forest. It just so happened that they were on their way to Crickhollow. By they, I mean Frodo, Samwise and Pippin. By Crickhollow, I mean one of Merry's family's extra houses. Frodo told the people in Hobbiton that he was moving there, and had bought it. No one questions this, even though it seemed strange, because all of those Baggins were mighty strange now so it was ok. Aside from that, those Sackville-Baggins were happy to finally have Bag End and didn't complain that Frodo was now as strange as his old uncle was. But then, Frodo used to live in that area before so then buying one of the Bradybuck's other houses wasn't that odd. Why did Merry and his family own so many houses? Because he was BANK because his family was important and very prominent in the Shire and therefore rich. 

Now, Sam was 'forced' to go with Frodo [but was mighty eager to go…I little too eager if you ask me, but no one did, so I'll just be quite] by Gandalf for eavesdropping on them. I think we all know why Frodo is going, because if you are reading this you must like Lord of the Rings and therefore are already familiar with the plot and hence I do not have to re-explain it to you because Tolkien did a dandy job of that already.

Anywho, Pippin came along randomly because he was bored and there was nothing better to do. And…where was I going with this? Right, they were stuck in the woods.

"Sam," said Frodo, "You packed our bags, why don't you see if there is anything of use to us now in the trunk?" Sam eagerly did as his master said, he popped open the trunk,

"Sam! Why, all you have in there is rope!" Pippin exclaimed. "Why did you bring so much rope?"

"Well, I said to myself, I said, Samwise how many times have you needed rope and not had any on hand? And I responded, well Samwise a many times. So I said to myself, I said Samwise do you remember what my old Gaffer used to say? And I said back to myself, I do Sam, because he is my Gaffer as well and…"

"Cut to the chase, Sam."

"I thought we'd need rope." He said bluntly. Pippin rolled his eyes. 

"So how do you suggest we use rope in this situation?"

"Why, I don't know Mr. Peregrin, do you?" Pippin ignored this and looked to Frodo, who had since grabbed his walking stick from the top of the pile of rope.

"We must walk. That is the only way to get to Crickhollow." Pippin looked confused,

"Walk? What is this 'walk' you speak of?"

"Come on, you lazy old Took." Frodo said and began to walk off, with Sam scrambling to carry as much of the rope as he could before racing after Frodo like a dog on a leash. 

"I swear, sometimes I wonder about that Sam." Pippin muttered to himself, watching Sam prance around Frodo like a fool. But Pippin was not moving and Frodo looked back at him, and said,

"Are you coming?" Pippin sighed; he didn't much like walking…wasted far too much energy

"But then, I'd have to move away from this forest eventually, whether to go home or away from. I don't figure to many cars will be passing through this area, and don't figure I could be home in time for supper anyways so there wouldn't be much of a point in that anyhow. And then, Sam did pack food [or else we could just eat rope] so perhaps going with them would be better…" Pippin continued to argue with himself in this manner, while Frodo and Sam waited impatiently. Pippin was being far too indecisive for the Author, who pointedly decided to jump back into the story.

"Pippin, if you don't go with Sam and Frodo you will be eaten by a giant Eskimo Pie!" Pippin screamed with joy,

"A giant Eskimo Pie! Really? Honest?" The Author rolled her eyes, and said,

"I meant a giant cockroach!" Pippin then screamed in horror and ran after Sam and Frodo. The Author nodded in satisfaction and then left the story again.

"I like her, Mr. Frodo." Sam said.

"Well, that's good. Because she could cause your horrid death at any given moment." Sam didn't look phased so Frodo said, "Or cause me a horrid death at any given moment." At this Sam burst into tears.

"No! Mr. Frodo! I couldn't go on without you!" Sam then cried the rest of the afternoon and half way into the night, thinking about Frodo dying. 


	2. Jamie Oliver and the Elves

Meeting the Elves

Disclaimer: I don't own any thing about LOTR. I also do not own Captain Obvious [That was Colin on Whose Line is it Anyway.] Nor do I own Jamie Oliver [though I wish I did]

Pippin had been one to complain [much to Frodo and Sam's loath] about walking.

"I'm tired, and hungry and my feet hurt and…"

"Oh stick a sock in it, Pippin." Frodo muttered,

"A sock? But, Frodo we don't wear socks." Pippin said looking at his feet, as Frodo put a frustrated hand to his head,

"Nevermind." Frodo tried to block out Pippin's complaining. So he turned to Sam,

"When are we going to see the elves?" Sam asked jumping up and down,

"Elves? I thought we were just going to have dinner at Merry's place?" Pippin asked confused, as Frodo clapped a hand over Sam's mouth.

"We are…Sam meant to say…" Frodo struggled to think up something that rhymed with 'elves' but could find nothing "Uh…belves…"

"Belves? What in all of Hobbiton is a belve?" 

"Actually, the singular or 'belves' would be a 'belf'. And it's uh…uh…" Frodo looked about for inspiration "tree." Pippin looked amazed,

"Oh!" Frodo looked relieved, and glared at Sam. Because as we know, Sam was the only other one who knew that Frodo was going to Rivendell. Pippin thought that they were just having a slumber party at Merry's. Of course, it seemed very likely to Pippin that Sam would want to see a 'belf' being a gardener and all. Also, Pippin wasn't really the sharpest knife in the draw so he didn't think about anything too much. 

"Mr. Frodo, if you are too tired, I could carry some of your bags?" Sam said, though he already had 5 bags [mostly Pippin's] on his back, looking something like a small hobbit-ish beast of burden.

"Oh no you don't Sam!" Pippin said. "Frodo's fat and he needs to loss weight, so he has to carry his own bags. But as for me…" Pippin handed Sam another pack, "I'm young and don't need to get more fit than I already am, so you can have more of mine."

"Does it seem like if you are the youngest, then you should be carrying the most bags?" Frodo asked annoyed. 

"No." Pippin didn't give a reason behind this and just left it as it was. 

Later that day, or the beginning of the next because they were all about the same, Frodo thought they should sing some and did, because Hobbits like to sing a whole lot and have a song about everything from bathing to walking and everything else that wouldn't seem like it would need a song had a song in the Shire. So Frodo picked a song about an adventure, which was strange because Hobbits didn't go on adventures, but Frodo did, and Bilbo did so then it wasn't strange. 

The Hobbits didn't notice though, that they suddenly walked into a darker scarier version of where they just had been, and that scary music [think Jaws, that does nicely] began to play. This thought it not stop Frodo from singing, because, frankly, nothing could. 

So they were all singing so loudly that the band of Black Riders heard them and was lead right to them. Thankfully, Frodo heard them and shoved Sam and Pippin into a bush and cowered on the ground. The Black Rider started to sniff around like a dog and Frodo was afraid that he was going to smell him [for they had not take a bath in a long while and their stench could be smelled a mile away] and then the whispering of the Ring around his neck started going,

"Frodo, wear me…wear me…" And Frodo almost did, but Pippin sneezed and it scared away the Ring's creepy voice and the Black Rider [who wasn't partial to being scared by sudden noises] who then left. 

"Dear God [though there doesn't appear to be a religion in the Shire, this is what Pippin said…oddly enough.] What was that?" Pippin asked Frodo.

"Uh, a really freaky rider on a black horse."

"Well, thank you Captain Obvious. I meant, why was he chasing us?"

"I don't know…" Frodo said looking very much like he did know. "cough…" as he coughed uncomfortably. Pippin glared a little, but soon forgot about it because right after this happened, Sam's squeals could then be heard.

"Elves! Elves!" 

"What? Belves?" Asked Pippin as they raced over to see a band of Elves having a dainty little picnic in the happier part of the scenery. It appeared as though, all the food was being cooked by a tall, blonde man…

"What 'ave we 'ear? This is a beauty…just thirfy minutes in 'e ol' oven and me 'unk of meat 'ull be dune!" No one could 'ardly…sorry, hardly understand this rather beautiful cook.

"Hullo!" Called Frodo to the Elves. One of the elves walked over to the Hobbits.

"Greetings, weary travelers. I am Gildor, you must be Frodo."

"How did you know?." Frodo asked, for he was the only one who could still articulate himself. Sam had passed out from joy and Pippin was drooling over whatever the cook was making. 

"I've seen you with Bilbo. We knew Bilbo before, he's our friend."

"Have you been stalking me?" Frodo asked 

"No…ok, yes." Gildor admitted, "But only to watch out for you safety. Who are your little friends?"

"That's Pippin." Frodo said pointing to Pippin. "And this is Sam." Frodo motioned to Sam, still passed out on his right.

"Well, he's a sleepy little fellow, isn't he?"

"Actually, I think he's unconscious."

"Whatever. So what do you want?"

"Our car broke down awhile back and we were wondering if we could stay with you tonight?" All of the elves moaned.

"Oh Gildor! Don't let them, hobbits are boring!" Gildor ignored his kinfolk's bellyaching and said,

"Of course!" Pippin, being the bright one that he was suddenly blurted out,

"What do you know about those Black Riders? They were sniffing something and I don't think it was the flowers."

"I can't tell you." Gildor said,

"Oh, why not?"

"Because you're too stupid to understand it." Pippin accepted this and went on to see what the cook was making. 

"Hullo, what are you making?" Pippin asked the chief, who I hope you have discovered was Jamie Oliver a.k.a. the Naked Chief. 

"Well, I'm glad you asked, me lil' friend." Jamie then randomly took off his shirt. Why? Because he's hot and the Author wanted him to. And everyone abides by what the Author wants. "I'm makin' a beautiful roast wif' a lil' olive oil and garlic." 

"Oh, sounds good." Jamie then grabbed his king-sized bottle of olive oil and poured it into a dish, threw a slab of meat into it and some garlic. Sam had now come around, and was with Pippin, and Jamie. 

"Is that garlic fresh?" Sam asked,

"Yes it is, I only use me own veggies from me own garden."

"You have your own garden?" Sam asked in a gasp.

"Of course, mate." 

"Me too!" Sam said excitedly. 

"Well that's wonderful, sweet'eart." Jamie said and Sam blushed, because he thought that is Frodo wasn't around, he would have fallen in love with Jamie. 

"I only use fresh veggies."

"Me too!"

"I thunk we 'ave a lot in common, mate." Sam smiled and looked as though he would pass out again, but then hugged Jamie's leg. 

"Oh, 'e's an affectionate one, ain't 'e?" Jamie said to Pippin who didn't get a chance to responded because the Author came back into the story and pulled Sam off of Jamie's leg,

"Hand's off buddy, Jamie's mine." Sam looked sad at the Author who then sighed and suddenly yelled,

"Oh My God! Someone is attacking Frodo!" Sam screamed and ran after Frodo, who was really just having some lemonade with Gildor. The Author smiled and then left again.

"He's a little too affectionate if you ask me." Pippin said as he watched as Sam jumped Gildor thinking that he was attacking Frodo. 

"No one can be too affectionate. All this world needs is love, mate."

"Well, you obviously haven't meet Sam before." Sam was now clinging to Frodo's arm, making him incapacitated. Jamie then began to make another dish, and was talking too quickly and with such a strong, Liverpool accent that Pippin couldn't understand him. So he left and went to go sit with Frodo and Sam, while they listened to the elves talk late into the night.

To be Continued…


	3. Gildor and Frodo

The Rest of Frodo's and Gildor's Discussion.

After a long while, the Hobbits did nothing, but wait for Jamie to be done cooking. Being that they had just walked more than any Hobbit had walked before, they soon all doozed off. Pippin was having a pleasant dream about eating and drinking when a random elf ran by and smacked him up side the head.

"Silly Hobbit! Wake up! We're going to have a party!" The elf said in a jovial voice, Pippin snorted and rolled over,

"Leave me alone you annoying elf!"

"Come you stupid lazy hobbit! You're missing all the fun!"

"I don't care, I'm tired."

"I told Gildor you were going to be no fun." The elf put a hand on his hip. 

"GO AWAY! I swear, you people are worse then Sam!" Pippin said, but the elf grabbed him by his arm and dragged him into a mess hall type place, only a lot prettier. It reminded Pippin of the dances that he used to go to in the Shire. Of course, they were still in the Shire, so it wasn't a 'used to' it was a 'went to'…but then no one bothers to listen to the Author on any of these types of things.

So the Hobbits and Elves had a grand old party, much like Bilbo's only not quite so big, but strangely, none of the Hobbits could really remember anything, because Jamie got all of them really smashed. 

Eventually, Pippin was so drunk that he fell asleep, and was carried off into a bed of leaves and such, and Sam fell asleep at Frodo's feet like some overly devoted dog. It was then that Gildor and Frodo began to talk about his journey.

"You are not talking much about why you left the Shire." Gildor said.

"How did you know I was going to leave the Shire?" Frodo asked.

"I told you, I'm stalking you."

"Oh, that's right."

"Anyways, I know you are leaving, but not why. But I won't ask why, because it's rude and we elves aren't rude creatures. So they was really no point in my bringing it up in the first place."

"Oh, ok."

"But I'm sure those Black Riders are pretty scary, hun?"

"You know of them! Who are they?"

"Didn't Gandalf tell you?"

"No."

"Well, then I'm not either. He seems like a smart guy, why should I mess with his plot?" Frodo shrugged in agreement.

"I guess so."

"But if you are going to keep bugging me for information, let me just tell you that they are going to kill you when you get a chance."

"Oh, that's no good. What more do you know of the Riders?"

"I told you I can't say."

"Awe, come on!"  
"I will not. But you do know that they are servants of the enemy."

"Actually, I didn't. Whose the enemy exactly?"

"I cannot say. Let me just tell you that they're very violent. Anyone working for Sauron's bound to be really violent."

"So they work for Sauron then?"

"That is information that I'm leaving up to Gandalf to tell you."

"But you just did…"

"Frodo, let me be frank with you. You are not safe anywhere right now. I don't know if Gandalf told you that, but everyone is trying to kill you."

"Fun."

"Yes, but one day we all die and one day the world will come to an end and we can't prevent it. But you can leave the Shire as quick as possible though, to help slow the omni-present apocalypse from destroying the very core of the world as we know it in a extremely cruel and violent manner."

"You're rather depressing."

"Yes, I know. So why isn't Gandalf with you." Frodo shrugged.

"Dunno. He never came so I just left."

"That doesn't sound good. But then, wizards do as they will and I'm not one to say anything about it. But you know, that Gandalf isn't usually late, but I won't meddle in his business, he probably has a good reason for it. But then again, wizards aren't known to be late…but I refuse to say anything about the business of wizards."

"But you just did." Gildor ignored this

"I will say nothing about your journey, I will leave that to Gandalf."

"But you say I shouldn't stay in the Shire long?"

"I don't like to give advice because then when it turns bad, I get blamed."

"But you just gave me…"

"But if you REALLY want my advice, I'll tell you not to stay in the Shire. But I don't give advice."

"But you…"

"Frodo, please stop pressing me for information, I will say no more." Frodo looked exasperated at Gildor. He was very obviously, giving out a lot of information, even though he said he wouldn't. Frodo, sighed and looked at Gildor helplessly.

"You're a nutcase." He said, beginning to yawn. He then was led to the same sleeping place as Pippin and drifted off. 


End file.
